Titanium Heart

Becoming a parent melted my heart. I never could have imagined the myriad of ways in which I would be touched, moved and changed prior to the birth of my two sons. The journey of becoming the parent my children need is an incredible one of growth and transformation.  I have come to know joy on an entirely new level. Unbounded, enormous, glowing, from the bottom of my heart joy. Words do not do justice to the essence of my experience. Paradoxically, I have also experienced immense frustration, sadness and moments of despair as a parent. As William Blake writes, “joy and woe are woven fine, a clothing for the soul divine”.  How true it is! At times, as a parent, it feels as if the worry and fear will overcome my spirit. Today, however, was a joyous one for me.  As I sat and watched my eldest son part take in a talent show at his school I witnessed the miracle of growth. My heart swelled and my spirit sang. I’m not sure I have ever felt as much joy and pride as I did today. A feeling of utter reverence enveloped me as I watched my boy’s spirit spring forth in a way I did not know possible until now. Nature had been quietly doing its work. The tears streamed down my cheeks and I was transported into a state of elation. Jake attends Kenneth Gordon. A very special school with very special educators for sensitive and gifted children. He’s thriving there. A major contrast from the public system that was slowly breaking his spirit and ours. With tears in my eyes I watched as my son performed a solo dance in front of the entire school. He exuded confidence, was having fun and his spirit shined.  I knew without a doubt that today was the result of our staying the course as parents in regards to what we know he needs most…relationship, rest and room! This in addition to the teachers at Kenneth Gordon being very intuitive, caring and focussed on the relationships their students have with them.  They truly believe in the children they teach. They have an ever-present invitation for each of them to exist exactly as they are. They are masterful at fostering emergence…individuality, growth, courage and a curiosity about the world. Jake has been attending this school now since February and what a difference it has made. His face is soft, he’s talking and interacting, he’s smiling and affectionate. In retrospect, I can see the wounding that he was enduring in the public system. He could not afford to take his defenses down and evenings and weekends did not provide enough time for us to collect him back and bring him to the rest he was literally starving for. The other night while I was putting the boys to bed Jake said this to me. “Mommy, when I went to the other school the kids used to run away from me, push me down and take my things ”. I softly asked him, “Jake, why didn’t you tell me?”. His reply very simply was…”oh mommy, my heart was titanium then and I couldn’t talk about anything like that!”

About dmfindlay

I am currently enrolled in the Master of Education program at SFU focussing on Contemplative Inquiry and Approaches in Education. This blog outlines my journey over the next 2 years
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